Sunday, July 5, 2009

What Not to Say... (Even Though You're Really Trying to Be Loving)

This is a continuation of the adapted article from Rachel Keller. Again, italics are mine.

What Not To Say

Unless you have been through a loss, it is hard to know what to say. Many times words unintentionally hurt rather than help.

This was God's will. Although this is true, I grew weary of hearing it over and over again.

I heard this in different forms, but for me it was a comforting reminder that God is in control, trustworthy and loving. I can trust His working in my life.

It's for the best. A woman who miscarries wonders how losing a baby can be for the best. Often, there are unanswered questions that may leave her feeling disillusioned.

You should be thankful; there was probably something wrong with the baby.
There probably was something wrong with my baby, but does that make it any easier?

Even though we only had 9 weeks to celebrate this baby's life we still had a lot of hopes and dreams for the future.

It was too soon to have another baby; your body wasn't ready.
I had more than one person tell me that; but in my case, it was not true.

You're young; you can still have more children.
Yes, I can (and did) have another child, but no child ever takes the place of the child who died.

You have two sons already. Be thankful for them.
I am thankful for my two sons, but those babies I lost were important, too.

You NEVER forget the baby/ babies you lost!

At least, you didn't get to know your baby.
I wish I had gotten to know and hold my babies so I could have those precious memories.

Try not to think about it.
How can you not think of your loss?

It can seem awkward and difficult to know what to say to someone who has suffered a loss. Usually, just a simple "I'm so sorry about your loss" is sufficient.

Here are a few of the wonderful things my friends/family offered:

"I am on my knees praying for you!"

"I am here for you!"

"I'd love to come and sit with you if you need someone- no talking required."

"I love you!"

"I'm here if you need to talk!"

"I'm so sorry! I've been there too!"


Lyrics to praise and worship music.

Cards. Food. Coffee.

Again, I have been so blessed. If you know someone who has had a miscarriage recently, don't be afraid to reach out to them. Go out and BLESS them!


LanieChuang said...

Thanks for posting these Marisa! I know too many women who have gone through this, and still don't know what to say. I've suffered the loss of my brother but it again doesn't give me the wisdom to know what to say in these situations. I'm still praying for your heart.

KT said...

I love you.

Jenn @ A Country Girl's Ramblings said...

Great advice on this post and the last! Thanks for sharing it with all of us! I love you sis and I am praying for you!

jenny said...

Another great post, dear friend. So good to talk tonight. I know God is doing amazing things in your heart through this hardship. You are an encouragement to me! Praying for you!

Superhero Mom said...

Marisa, I just read your last few posts. My heart breaks for you. You know my story...14 babies in Heaven do to many miscarriages during our 10 year infertility journey. You are in my prayers. You are so courageous to share your heart...just know that when we are vulnerable with such delicate parts of our heart...the Lord can use it monumentally! He is definitely using you! I read a book called "When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden" brought me through the toughest of times. I pray that the Holy Spirit and all that He is continues to comfort you and grants you the desire of your heart! I have found that through all of this the Lord has certainly (like you) made me very sensitive to others. Thank you for this post. Know that I am praying for you and your husband.

Thank you too, for taking time to give me some great advice for my race. I will post pictures when I return next weekend. Blessings to you!