Sunday, May 31, 2009

Consider the Lilies

This weekend I've been in a funk. I've been off of work for nearly 2 weeks and Monday is the day I return. It always gets me. I should be ready for it. Armed for battle.

When I have vacation time I get a glimpse of what it would be like to be a full time stay-at-home mom. I revel in it! I feel more relaxed around the kids. I enjoy keeping our home. I try new recipes. I usually feel highly motivated. Everything about it feels right. I think that's why I struggle so much with the looming work week. I worry that I'll never be able to stay home full time- to fulfill that deep longing.

Praise God I only have to work part time for my benefits, but I'm not the kind of woman who wants to have it all. If it weren't for the insurance I would've quit 4 years ago when Lucas joined our family. We tried to get private insurance a while back, but because of a couple bad years of health issues our family we were denied by EVERYBODY!

So, there I was moping in my room with tears in my eyes. I had been punishing my husband with my attitude when my eyes fell upon a bouquet of peonies I had placed on our dresser. I have always loved peonies. They are one of my favorite flowers. They have a wonderful scent. They possess a delicate, old fashioned beauty. To me it is a graceful flower full of the handiwork of God. I stepped closer to get a detailed view, to breathe in their fragrance when these words came to mind, "See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin...". Ah, Matthew 6:25-34, Jesus' exhortation to never allow worry to have a place in our lives.

I wish I could say my attitude changed immediately. My stubborn, sinful heart continued to cling to the "what if's". Then I went to church. Our pastor has been doing a series on the Fatherhood of God. Guess what passage he spoke on. You got it! Thank goodness for God's continual gentle proddings. Here are a few things our pastor shared:

  • Anxiety is an assault on the Fatherhood of God.
  • Worry is rejection of:
  1. God's care for you.
  2. God's better wisdom for you
  3. God's provision for you.
  • Strategies for defeating worry:
  1. Get your focus back onto Jesus Christ.
  2. See worry for the sin it is.
  3. Align your priorities with his Kingdom and God will provide what you need to get it done.
I believe God will provide us with a private insurance policy when the timing is right. We have enough health history that it would be foolish for us to go without, but God knows that too! I don't know why it hasn't worked out so far, but my goal now is to focus on Him and how He wonderfully provides for us at just the right time.


Stacie@HobbitDoor said...

Feeling your pain, girl! Literally, I head back to work Monday as well. Every time I think "I really don't want to be doing this," God shows me another person I wouldn't have had the opportunity to minister to if I wasn't there. Every time an unexpected bill, etc pops up I thank God for my ability to be able to contribute to the family budget. So looking forward to Thursday! You have been doing this so much longer than me! I really appreciate you and your transparency in balancing work and your desire to stay home. I'll be praying for you and me both tomorrow!

Jenn @ A Country Girl's Ramblings said...

Oh Reese, so sorry you are feeling this way. Hope it helps you to know that I am praying.

Julie said...

I have to say 'thank you' for this post. This is the first time I looked at your blog, and I am so glad I did. I am sorry that you worry about staying home vs working, but praise Jesus that you have that verse on your heart now and it will help you through those rough spots.